UAFAIS – Play

   UAFAIS

               (An Irish Horror Comedy)

                                   

                                                            

           Written by Sean Moriarty

 

  

 

Character Bios

  • Katie: Also known as the Shy Girl. Naïve, keeps to herself. It is only until the close of the play that she gains confidence after she can no longer take anyone interrupting her any further.

 

  • Neil: Also known as the Stoner. Really doesn’t want to be in the classroom with everyone else. Likes to think of himself as being the most intelligent person in the room. Is the first to notice that the situation that himself and the other students are in bears strong similarities to something you would see in a horror film. No one believes him because they think he’s baked the majority of the time.

 

  • Brian: Also known as Leinster. Very dim-witted and acts with his fists rather than his head. Very slow to realise what is going on because of his lack of intelligence. Loves rugby.

 

  • Georgia: Also known as Hollister. Very ditzy and is a little bit more sexually active than her other classmates. Doesn’t focus on the lesson as she is too busy thinking of a guy she shifted and gave her number to in Diceys the other night.

 

  • Teacher: First name is James and loves speaking the Irish language. Despite this, his true passion lies in the art of screenwriting and he hopes one day to become a very successful screenwriter for horror movies. He is also very short tempered and scares the other students because he could snap any moment.

 

  • The Guy with the Glasses: Doesn’t have a name, barely speaks and is the first to die

 

  • Killer: Who is it? No one knows until the end.

 

  • Garda: A policeman, doesn’t appear till the end.

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

(Cue ‘Disasterpiece: Title’, Lights go on, there is a classroom with a teacher sitting at the desk, he sits up and begins to place some worksheets on the various desks situated across the room, following this he returns back to his desk, he is typing on his laptop)

Teacher: (to himself) And then the killer appears and shocks everyone (pause) nah that’s shite (presses buttons on the laptop, pause) Well it appears I have hit a brick wall here.(pause) on the first scene. (sighs) How do you start a story? I should probably introduce the main character first.

(Enter Katie who is just about to make her way into the classroom when all of a sudden her phone starts ringing, she answers it)

Katie: Hi Mum. Yeah I’m just on my way to class now (Pause) Yes I brought a packed lunch with me (Pause) Yes I will pay attention stop worrying (Pause) You know that I’m struggling with this subject, why do you think I’m taking time out of summer to improve it? (Pause) Yes there are loads of other things that I could be doing its just difficult to pick one! (Pause) Yes there are! (pause) Well I’m not Ciara alright! (Pause, notices other kids walking into the classroom) Look people are starting heading now so I’ve got to go (Pause, she chuckles at something her Mum said) What do I have to be careful about? (Pause) Hello? (notices that her phone has run out of battery) Shit. I knew I should have charged it last night (Hangs up and walks towards classroom)

(All of a sudden, a student walks in and accidentally bumps into Katie, he did not see where he was going because he was rolling a cigarette)

Katie: Oh my god! I am so sorry!

Neil: Nah its grand. Don’t worry about it!

Katie: No seriously it was my fault I didn’t see you there

Neil: No no it was all me.

Katie: Ok. (awkward pause) I take it you are also here for the Irish grind?

Neil: I am

Katie: Me too. I need all the help I can get

Neil: Same. My parents are fluent in Irish so it was pretty much their idea that I go to this

Katie: Really? So then you probably have a pretty good understanding of the language?

Neil: If that was the case then why would I be here?

Katie: Right. Sorry that was a stupid question to ask.

Neil: No you’re grand. I just cannot concentrate when I’m in Irish class but my mam tells me the same thing every time I talk about how much I hate studying the language. “If you want to learn or achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want.”

Katie: That’s a really nice quote. Your mum sounds like a lovely-

Neil: (Interrupts her) Bitch

(Katie stays silent)

Neil: It also doesn’t help that she says the fucking quote in Irish

Katie: To be honest, I’m just waiting for today’s class to end. I’m going to a concert later on.

Neil: Ah deadly! Who are you going to see?

Katie: (excited tone) Coldplay!

Neil: (disappointed tone) Ah

Katie: You don’t like them?

Neil: I don’t think anyone does

Katie: Well I like one or two of their songs. Yellow is probably my favourite. They usually end their gigs with that song

Neil: Cool, I don’t really care to be honest.

Katie: Cool (awkward chuckle)

(Cuts to the teacher who is sitting at his desk typing on his laptop)

Teacher: (lets out a sigh of relief) Great. Now that I’ve gotten the character development out of the way, now I can move on to the good stuff! (looks at watch) Ah no is it time already. Shite. Guess I’ll have to focus on this script later. Time to meet my students (makes his way towards the door)

(Cuts back to Katie and Neil)

Neil: So what’s your name?

Katie: Oh I’m Ka-

Teacher: (Interrupts, from inside the classroom) OK GACH DUINE! COULD WE MAKE OUR WAY INTO THE CLASSROOM SO THAT WE MAY BEGIN THE LESSON ANOIS!

Neil: Well it was nice chatting with you. I’ll talk to you later…….whatever your name was (makes his way into the classroom)

Katie: (to herself) Katie. (sighs) This language is going to be the death of me (makes her way into the classroom)

(All of the other students make their way into the classroom and sit at their desks, after they have all made their way into the classroom, the Teacher rises up out of his seat to introduce himself)

Teacher: (with a strong midlands accent) Ceart go leor! Dia dhaoibh gach duine. Conas ata sibh?

(They all remain silent)

Teacher: (following the awkward silence) How are of all you?

Everyone: (unenthusiastically) Grand

Teacher: Are ye now? I’m looking around the classroom and it doesn’t look grand. All I see is a lot of unhappy faces and you know what, I get it. No really I do. This is a very difficult for all of you myself included. I mean a classroom is the last place that you would want to spend your summer holidays in. Sure I’ll be honest with all of you, I don’t even want to be here.

Neil: So why are you here?

Teacher: Because it’s my job and I like getting money. Now the road to learning the Irish language is paved with difficulty and the modh cinniolacht. But I promise you that if you are patient and kind to me then I will be the best damn guide that you could ask for. But before we move on to studying grammar and short stories I figured that we would all get to know each other a little better with some name games (chuckles) You all know how much a polar bear weighs right? (Pause) Enough to break the ice (laughs to himself thinking he has just told the funniest joke in the world but soon realises that no one is laughing) Ceart go leor. Now I’m going to ask each of you cad is ainm duit agus an bhfuil Caithimh Aimsire ag aon duine ?

(All of the students look even more confused than they did before)

Teacher: (in a manner they can understand) Do you have any hobbies?

Everyone: (even more unenthusiastically) Ahh right

Teacher: An a mhaith! Right now let me start with… (Points at blonde-haired girl sitting in the front row) You there. Dia duit

(Georgia has been on her phone for the last while so she hasn’t been paying attention to what has just been said, chewing gum, south county Dublin accent, the Teacher moves in closer towards her desk)

Teacher: DIA. DUIT

Georgia: (notices him) What?

Teacher: No you don’t say “what” you say “dia mhuire duit”

Georgia: Why?

Teacher: Because I said so

Georgia: Ugh fine. Dia mhuire duit

Teacher: An a mhaith. Now cad, is ainm duit?

Georgia: Sorry wha?

Teacher: Will you please stop saying what and listen to what I’m saying “James….. is ainm…… dom”

Georgia: (there is a look of disgust upon her face) Did you just call me dumb?

Teacher: No I wasn’t-

Georgia: (as she is speaking, the teacher is trying to talk over her) I mean how dare you of call me dumb on the first day that is so bloody rude of you. Do you have any idea who my daddy is?

Teacher: (slames whiteboard cleaner on the desk to shut her up) NO I DON’T KNOW WHO YOUR DADDY IS! AND I WASN’T CALLING YOU DUMB! ‘JAMES IS AINM DOM IS IRISH’ FOR MY NAME IS JAMES. I was asking for your name.

Georgia: Oh Georgia

Teacher: As Gaeilge

Georgia: (pause) Georgie dom

Teacher: (sighs) I’ll get back to you. Ok how about yourself? (Points at big lad wearing a Leinster Rugby Jersey sitting in the back, he has a rugby ball with him) Cad is ainm duit?

(Brian stares out into space because he is confused by the question)

Brian: Sorry could you repeat the questio-

Teacher: (frustrated) Name! What’s your name?

Brian: Brian

Teacher: Dia duit Brian. Now tell me An bhfuil aon caithimh aimsire agat?

Brian: Emmmm…rugby

Teacher: Ah ceart go leor. Ar imrionn tu rugbai?

(Brian gives the Teacher a confused look )

Teacher: Do you play rugby?

Brian: Oui

(Everyone snickers at his mistake)

Teacher: Now now, enough of that. It is a common mistake that could have been made by anyone. I’ll have you know that when I was a young lad in secondary school I always used to mix up my French with my Irish.

Georgia: And now you’re an Irish teacher?

Teacher: Be quiet Georgia, So Brian, Ar mhaith leat rugby?

Brian: Oui

(Everyone snickers again)

Teacher: Ciunas! (sighs) So Brian an bhfuil aon chaithimh aimsire eile agat?

Brian: (pauses) Nah

Teacher: Really? Ar mhaith leat ceol?

Brian: No

Teacher: It’s Nil

Brian: No It’s Brian

Teacher: No I know your name is Brian

Brian: Then why did you call me Neil?

Teacher: I didn’t

Brian: Yes you did

Teacher: I didn’t call you Neil I was saying…

Brian: (Interrupts) You literally just did right there

Teacher: (Hits the desk even harder with the whiteboard cleaner) I KNOW YOU’RE NOT NEIL! Nil in Irish means no. If you want to say no to something as Gaeilge you say NIL!

Brian: Alright ok man jesus no need to get all minstrel about it

Teacher: Excuse me but you are not in any position to talk to me like tha….. wait what did you just say?

Brian: Minstrels.

Teacher: Do you mean menstrual?

Brian: What?

Teacher: The word isn’t Minstrels, those are a packet of chocolate sweets, it’s Menstrual. You know like the menstrual cycle where every month a woman will… sorry why on earth am I talking about this?! This isn’t Biology! So I’ll ask you again Brian, forgetting all that just happened there: An bhfuil aon chaithimh aimsire eile agat?

Brian: ….. No

Teacher: Nothing else?

Leinster: (pauses to think for a second) Is mhaith liom…..girls?

(Everyone else laughs except the Teacher)

Teacher: (to himself) Iosa Chriost I think I’m losing my mind here, Ok now how about yourself there (Points to a stoner who is sitting in the centre of the room) Cad is ainm duit?

Neil: (who is busy rolling a cigarette on his desk) Neil

Teacher: Right (all of a sudden he notices what he is doing) Eh Neil I should remind you before we start that nil cead chaith tabac anseo

Neil: Cad?

Teacher: Tabac! You’re not allowed to smoke it

Neil: But I was just rolling it

Teacher: I know you were but rolling cigarettes is usually followed by smoking them which you are not allowed to do in my classroom! Put it away

(Neil puts the rollie back in his pocket)

Teacher: Right it’s pretty clear that some of you don’t know the common Irish phrases so I’ll just go ahead and write a few of them on the board

(The Teacher begins to write on the board, Neil takes the rollie out and a lighter and tries to light it in class, it makes a loud clicking noise which causes the Teacher to turn around, before he turns around Neil quickly hides the lighter and rollie, the Teacher turns back to face the board and continues writing, Neil takes out the rollie and lighter and tries to light it, once again it makes a loud clicking noise, the Teacher turns around quickly but Neil immediately hides it, The Teacher turns back to the board but has his head looking over his shoulder, Neil slowly takes out the rollie and lighter and tries to light it, it makes a loud clicking noise and the Teacher turns around to see Neil with the rollie in his mouth and the lighter in one hand, the Teacher folds his arms and has a frustrated look upon his face)

Neil: You wouldn’t by any chance happen to have one I could borrow? I think this mine is broken

Teacher: NIL!

Neil: What man?

Teacher: IM NOT SAYING NEIL! IM SAYING NO!

(Takes a moment to gather himself before he can ask the final person for their name and hobby)

Teacher: So (points at shy girl sitting close to the back) Cad is ainm duit?

Katie: (She is really nervous to speak in front of the class so she takes some time to gather herself) Well….. Katie is ainm dom…. Ta me ocht mbliana deag d’aois….. oh is aoibhin liom ceoil

Teacher: (realises she is not a complete nightmare to deal with unlike the other three) Oh! An Mhaith! Cen sort ceoil?

Katie: Oh! Is aoibhinn liom roc ceoil! Beidh me ag dul go dti an cheoilchoirm anocht

Teacher: Ah an deas! Cen grupa ceoil

Katie: Coldplay

Teacher: Ah. (awkward pause) Listen why don’t we have little sos right now.

Georgia: But we have literally been here for 2 minutes

Teacher: Yeah well I’m in charge so tough shit

Georgia: (scoffs) So rude

Teacher: When we get back we’ll get cracking with some Irish grammar. Neil! Your tabac.

(Neil hands him the rollie)

Neil: I suppose you’re going to say that you’ll get it back at the end of class if I behave

Teacher: …No

Neil: Ah come on man

Teacher: Maybe you thank me from saving you from getting lung cancer in the future.

(Neil scoffs and walks out, all of the other students and the teacher walk out of the classroom. Katie is annoyed that she didn’t get to speak, she is the last one to leave, once everyone has left the window on the side of the classroom slowly starts to open, a hooded figure peeks his head in, he then closes the window and moves back into the shadows)

(End Scene, Blackout)

 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

(Lights on, the Teacher is standing beside a whiteboard teaching some Irish grammar to the students, it is apparent that they have been there a while as they all seem totally uninterested especially Georgia who is texting on her phone and is not being subtle about it)

Teacher: So, this here is known as An Aimsir Caite which is the past tense so if we were to say ‘I went’ somewhere then we would say ‘Chuaigh me”. Now if we were to say ‘You went’ instead we would say ‘Chuaigh… (pauses, in hope that someone in the class knows what the answer is, they don’t, he sighs in annoyance) tu’. If I wanted to say ‘He or She’ went somewhere we would say? (pauses again, this time he is really annoyed) Jesus, an bhfuil aois ar aon duine cad e an freagar?

(All of the students sit in silence not knowing what on earth he is talking about)

Teacher: Do you know the answer?!

Brian: Nil

Neil: I don’t have the answer either

Teacher: (grunts in annoyance) SO! ‘Chuaigh se’ translates to ‘He went’ while ‘Chuaigh si’ translates to ‘She went’. Now the next one is a little tricky and it is went we are talking about something in the plural and its Chu- (notices that Georgia has been texting on her phone this entire time) Gabh mo leithsceal Georgia

Georgia: Huh?

Teacher: Cad ata tu ag dheanamh?

(Georgia looks confused)

Teacher: What are you doing?

Georgia: I don’t even want to talk about it. It’s bothering the shit out of me

Teacher: Perfect! So that means we can move on quickly with the lesson

Georgia: Ok so basically I’m seeing this guy who I shifted in Dicey’s last week well it was two nights ago actually but my best mate Becca just told me that he’s been chatting to her on FB lately coz they have a mutual friend or some shite like that and has been messaging her asking ‘whats the craic?’ Which has honestly pissed me the fuck off coz she didn’t tell me this until this morning. And now I’m feeling conflicted coz I don’t want to fall out with her cause we have been friends since Junior Infants even though she’s acting like a complete two-faced whore at the moment.

 

(The Teacher is completely baffled by what he has just heard)

Teacher: Iosa chriost that actually is pretty serious

Georgia: I know right?

Teacher: No I don’t seeing as I was being sarcastic. Can we please get on with the lesson?!

Georgia: Ugh. Fine

(The Teacher proceeds to write on the board)

Brian: (to Georgia) I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He’s probably busy getting on with his life

Georgia: (Annoyed by Brian’s statement) Sorry what was that? Parlez vous francais?

(People start snickering)

Brian: You find that funny don’t you?

Georgia: I do actually

Brian: I’d say so does your man from Dicey’s

Georgia: (stands up out of her seat) Don’t you dare mention that guy from Diceys, you have no idea what I’m going through! And if you even think of talking about him again I’ll put your head through that fucking window!

Teacher: ENOUGH! I DON’T CARE ABOUT DICEYS! YOU HAVE ONE YEAR TILL YOUR EXAM WHICH BY THE WAY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT EXAMS OF YOUR STUDENT LIFE! I AM IN CHARGE SO YOU ARE ALL GOING SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME SO I CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT THE AIMSIR FUCKING CAITE!

(Awkward silence, there is another student wearing glasses in the classroom who has been with them from the start but has not said a single word since the class has started. He nervously puts his hand up)

Teacher: Yes what I (realises that he hasn’t asked the Guy with Glasses what his name is) Oh ta bron orm, I didn’t realise you were in the class. Cad is ainm duit?

(The guy with glasses doesn’t respond and instead gives him a confused look)

Teacher: An bhfuil fhios agat cad duirt me?

Guy with Glasses: (pause) Je ne sais pas

Teacher: Ah I see. (changes his tone) Is everything ok with you?

Guy with Glasses: Oui

Teacher: Iontach! Ok now we can move on. So if we just look at the board anseo we can se-

Guy with Glasses: (Interrupts him) Non. Wee. I.. have..to wee.

Teacher: Ah you want to go know an bhfuil cead agat dul go dti an leithreas?

(The Guy with Glasses gives him a confused look)

Teacher: (frustrated) The toilet?!!

Guy with Glasses: (nods) Oui

Teacher: Yes you can go but make sure you come back. (turns back to the board) So now if you look up here at what I’m writing in the board you can see that- (turns back around to see that the Guy with Glasses hasn’t gotten up out of his seat, tone= frustrated) YOU CAN GO TOILET I GAVE YOU PERMISSION!

(The Guy with Glasses stays in his seat as he is still confused)

Teacher: (points to the door) GO TO THE TOILET!

(The Guy with Glasses gets up out of his seat and runs towards the door exiting the scene)

(Awkward pause)

Teacher: (takes a deep breath) Right….I need to get some fresh air

(Teacher walks out of the classroom, he pulls a lighter and a cigarette and walks out the door)

Neil: (surprised) Prick. He did have one

Georgia: Oh will you please be quiet!

Brian: Jesus, she’s worries a lot doesn’t she

Neil: I’d say the only thing she’s worried about now is whether she can find the number 10 on her keypad for her phone

Georgia: How dare you!

(Neil starts laughing)

Brian: (confused) I don’t get it

Neil: (sighs) It was a joke bud. There’s no 11 on a keypad on a phone

(Brian remains silent)

Neil: An a blonde would try and find an eleven

(Brian still remains silent)

Neil: Instead of dialling 1 and 0

Brian: (pause) You’ve lost me man

Neil: Jesus Christ are you really that thick?

Brian: Says the eejit who tried to light in a fag in classroom. Would you not become one of them vapists

Neil: (confused) Sorry what?!

Brian: Yeah, like you know the lads who smoke the e-cigarettes.

Neil: They’re not called vapists you clown

Brian: Then what are they called

Neil: I dunno but they’re not whatever you just called them there!

Brian: My bad, I thought you would have known seeing as your addicted to the fucking things.

Georgia: Christ will you two shut up you’re giving me a migrane

Brian: Still having difficulty finding the 10?

Georgia: Oh piss off (continues to text on her phone)

Brian: Well bro norm. It’s not my fault that yer man over there can’t put the damn things down. Just giving him a heads up before he turns to more serious drugs and forgets how to do basic things like spell his name or count to three

Neil: Actually I don’t think I’m the one who has difficulty spelling his name

Brian: (turns to him) What did you just say?

Neil: Ah I wouldn’t worry about it seeing as it what I said went in one ear and out the other.

Brian: You’ve got some fucking lip on you man

Neil: I’m also very good at counting as well. Let me show you (Counts from 1 to 3, giving him three fingers, then two, then a middle finger)

Brian: You junkie bastard

Neil: No I’m just Neil, or is Brian

Brian: You want to take this outside man?!

Neil: Oh I’m dying for a fag!

Brian: You’re gonna be dead in 5 minutes when I’m done with you

Neil: Wow you’ve counted beyond 3! That’s some progress bud

Brian: Alright you fucking hipster let’s go!

Neil: Let’s go

Brian: Come on!

Neil: I’m going

(Exit Neil and Brian)

Georgia: Christ I thought they’d never fucking leave

Katie: Em should we go alert the teacher about this?

Georgia: I wouldn’t worry about it. (continues texting, she is annoyed with something on her phone) Oh for fuck’s sake!

Katie: Is everything ok?

Georgia: No it’s nothing I don’t want to talk about it

Katie: Oh ok. Sorry I didn’t mean t-

Georgia: Ok so basically I’m seeing this guy who I shifted in Dicey’s last week well it was two nights ago actually but my best mate Becca just told me that he’s been chatting to her on FB lately coz they have a mutual friend or some shite like that and has been messaging her asking (pauses and notices that Katie is not paying attention) Sorry am I boring you?!

Katie: (startled) Oh sorry. It’s just you already told us the story. Sorry

Georgia: Still you should listen to someone when they’re talking to you. It is the height of bad manners if you don’t

Katie: Sorry. I just have difficulty concentrating sometimes. My mum is always telling me that I need to focus more

Georgia: Ugh tell me about it. My mum is an absolute bitch. The other day I found out that she had been using my hair straightener for the last couple of weeks without even telling me. I mean how could she be so two faced. It’s like I can’t even trust her anymore

Katie: I’m sorry to hear that

Georgia: No need. (looks at her phone and continues texting) So how are you finding the class?

Katie: It seems fine I’m just a little confused ab-

Georgia: OH MY GOD WILL YOU FUCKING RESPOND!

Katie: (confused) I just did?

Georgia: Ugh it must be the signal. (she gets up and walks towards the door)

Katie: Where are you going?

Georgia: Outside to get a better reception. Jesus it’s dead in here. I’ll be back in a bit so we can continue our girl talk. (She exits)

Katie: (to herself) Yeah because it was such a riveting conversation.

(Silence, All of a sudden, Katie’s phone starts ringing, she answers it)

Katie: (on the phone) Hey Mum. (Pause) No this isn’t a bad time. Everything is fine. (Pause) Yes I’m ok (Pause) I just (rubs head) I have a little bit of a headache but don’t worry it’s gra-

(All of a sudden, the Guy with Glasses stumbles into the classroom with blood pouring down from his head, there is a wound on his forehead, he makes his way towards Katie, she is horrified, he puts his arms on her shoulders and tries to speak but he is struggling, all of a sudden he collapses in front of her dead)

Katie: (on the phone, tone= terrified) Mum…. Can I call you back later? (Hangs up)

(Enter the Teacher)

Teacher: Right sorry about that. I just needed some fresh air. Will carry on with the lesson after I just do a quick bit of work on my laptop (he makes his way passed Katie towards his desk ignoring the body, He opens up his laptop and starts typing, all of a sudden he slowly stops typing and looks up) Where are the others?

Katie: (petrified) I… I don’t know

Teacher: Ah ok I’m sure they’ll be back in a bit. (Continues typing, all of a sudden he realises that he didn’t see the body of the Guy with Glasses, he slowly looks up and looks directly at the body) Is that boy dead?

Katie: (petrified) I…. I don’t know. I-

(She is interrupted by Georgia entering the classroom, she is on the phone)

Georgia: (on the phone) Look I understand that he could be busy in the afternoon Becca. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be thinking about me. I mean he’s not completely brain (notices the body, drops the phone in horror) dead. (She lets out an ear piercing scream)

Teacher: (stands up behind his desk) Why is there a dead boy in my classroom?!

Katie: I… I don’t know. I do-

Georgia: (Interrupts her) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Katie: I… don’t know. I do-

(She is interrupted by Brian and Neil who enter the classroom, Brian is crying)

Neil: Look man I went a bit too far I didn’t mean to say that stuff

Brian: (sniffles) Its grand man. I just think you take things into consideration before make those types of comparisons

Neil: Yeah I was totally out of line. (holds out his hand) Mates?

(Brian throws his arms around him and embraces him for a while, they eventually stop hugging, they both notice the body)

Neil: What the fuck?!

(Brian bursts into tears)

Teacher: WHY IS THERE A DEAD BOY IN MY CLASSROOM?

Katie: I don’t know!

Georgia: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Katie: I don’t know!

Neil: Wait! What was his name?

Katie: (pause) I don’t know actually

(Blackout, end of scene)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE SCENE THREE

(Lights on, interior, all of the students and the Teacher are circled around the corpse of the boy with the glasses in horror, Brian has his hands on his head crying his eyes out, Georgia is having some form of a panic attack, Teacher is struggling to come to terms with what just happened)

Georgia: OHMYGOD OHMYGOD HESDEADHESDEAD HES FUCKING DEAD

Neil: Jesus will you stop making so much noise!

Georgia: (sarcastically) Oh ta bron an domhain orm, But someone has just died!

Teacher: Ok! Firstly I’m impressed that you used an actual phrase in that sentence…. Second, Brian is right

Neil: (Interrupts him) Neil

Teacher: Neil is right. The last thing we want is for someone to walk in and see this.

Neil: Why shouldn’t we just call the Gardai?

Georgia: Yeah they would believe us that it was an accident. Why shouldn’t we call them?

Brian: (sniffles, wipes tears) Because it would take you ages to find the number ten!

Georgia: FUCK YOU!

(Brian turns to Neil as if he has just told him the funniest joke in the world, Neil is unimpressed)

Neil: Not now man

Georgia: Ok who here has a phone?

(Everyone looks at her as she has one in her hand)

Georgia: Right. (dials the number and holds the phone to her ear) Hi is the Gardai? Yeah I just wanted to report an (looks at the body) accident. Yeah we (pause) Hello? (looks at her phone and realises that she has run out of battery) NO! You stupid piece of shit!

Katie: What happened?

Georgia: The stupid thing ran out of battery! It was barely out of battery how the hell did that happen?

Teacher: Did you leave your 3G on?

Georgia: Yes but what does that have to do with anything?!

Teacher: I rest my case

Neil: (concerned) Does anyone else have a phone?

(They all nod their heads from side to side indicating that no one has a phone)

Neil: So no one here has a phone with them?

Brian: I dropped mine on the way to grinds

Katie: Mine is also out of battery

Teacher: I’ve never had one

Neil: And I left mine at home. Well that’s just great!

Katie: So what should we do now?

(They all stand in silence looking at each other)

Teacher: I think….. the best thing for us to do…… would be to finish the lesson

Georgia: WHAT?!

Brian: Ugh I don’t want to study more Irish

Neil: (To the Teacher) Don’t you think it’s a little insensitive of you to carry on an Irish lesson when some guy has just been murdered?

Teacher: (pause) You do have a Leaving Cert to sit in a couple of months so..

Neil: For fucks sake

Teacher: Hey! Watch that profanity of yours. We only have a few hours left so we might as well take advantage of the time.

(They all awkwardly sit down in their seats and face the whiteboard)

Teacher: Now…. Where were we? Ah yes! Now the plural of ‘to go’ is a little tricky to remember as it differs from the singular tense. Instead of adding a ‘a se or si’ we add ‘amar’ to the Chuaigh and take out the ‘igh’ so we now have ‘Chuamar’

(Georgia raises her hand)

Teacher: Yes Georgia

Georgia: Em bro orm but I’m just having a little difficulty learning this

Teacher: Oh! Would you like me to go a bit slower? Explain it again?

Georgia: No no no you’re grand honestly it’s just that I having difficulty with my focus

Teacher: How so?

Georgia: Em it is probably due to the fact that I am SITTING NEXT TO A FUCKING CORPSE WHILE YOURE TEACHING US THE AIMSIR CHAITE!!!

Brian: JESUS WILL YOU PUT A SOCK IN IT!

Georgia: (gets up out of her seat) I am going to fucking kill you

(Everybody goes silent and looks coldly at Georgia)

Georgia: Sorry (pause) That was pretty disrespectful (sits down)

(Awkward silence)

Katie: Neil, could I ask you something?

Stoner: Go on

Katie: Why did you make the suggestion that this guy was murdered. I mean how do we know that this wasn’t an accident?

Neil: I mean (pulls out another rollie in his pocket but it is immediately snatched off him by the teacher) look at his head. It looks as though he’s been hit a numerous amount of times. Clearly something that wasn’t caused by an accident.

Katie: I don’t know. Maybe he slipped and hit his head off the wall and stumbled back here when he was coming back from the toilet? What if he’s not actually dead but just unconscious?

(All of a sudden Brian tosses his rugby ball at the boy’s corpse in hope that he will move)

Brian: He’s dead

Georgia: What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Brian: I was just checking?

Georgia: What kind of a sick fuck throws a rugby ball at a corpse?!!

Brian: Oh ta me (pauses to think of the word for ‘sorry’ as gaeilge) sorry.

Teacher: (Interrupts) I hope your grandparents light many candles for you during exam season son

Katie: We’re not getting anywhere with all of this arguing. Maybe we should just……

Teacher: (Interrupts her) Move on to the Aimsir Laithreach?

(They all let out an annoyed sigh)

Neil: For fuck’s sake.

Teacher: Hey now! Before we go any further, I just wanted to let the both of you know that this bickering and hurling of abuse towards each other stops right now! Brian…. Georgia…. Apologise to each other so that we may proceed with the lesson.

Brian: Sorry

Georgia: (slowly turns around) Je suis desole

(Georgia turns back around and smiles, Brian picks up his rugby ball and throws it at the back of Georgia’s head)

Georgia: (turns around to Brian, tone= annoyed) PRICK!

(Blackout, End of Scene)

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR

(The students are all sitting at their desks, they are still unnerved by the fact that the body of a dead student is still situated on the floor of the classroom, the Teacher is still giving the lesson despite the horrific event that happened.)

Teacher: So. There we have it. We have now finally gotten through the Aimsir Caite of the verb ‘to go’. What time are we at Katie?

Katie: Em… (looks at watch) 2 O’Clock

Teacher: As Gaeilge

Katie: Oh… bro orm…. Do a chlog

Teacher: Do a chlog? Jesus what time did we start at?

Brian: (pause) 10 O’clock

Teacher: As Gaeilge

Brian: Ten a chlog?

Teacher: (sighs) Well isn’t that mad how time flies by when you’re having fun? (he smiles)

(None of the students say anything)

Teacher: That wasn’t appropriate. Well…. I have to make a phone call now so please talk amongst yourselves for little while.

(Teacher Exits. The moment the teacher leaves all of the students turn around to discuss the situation)

Georgia: Ok I don’t know about you guys but I am fucking terrified right now!

Katie: This is a little strange I’ll admit that.

Georgia: (sarcastic) Oh yeah! A little strange! Nothing too weird just a CORPSE…..ON THE FUCKING….. FLOOR!

Neil: Look we’re not getting anywhere by giving out to each other. I think it’s time we opened our eyes an realised the absolute truth.

Brian: Which is?

Neil: (scans the room to make sure its ok to speak) This is way too familiar. I can’t believe that none of you see it. This whole scenario……it’s similar to the type of thing you would see in (pause)…. A horror film.

Georgia: Sorry but what on earth are you on about?

Neil: I mean seriously… do none of you see it? I mean take a look at us. We…. are the stereotypes. Every horror film has a specific group of characters and each are distinguished through their specific character trait. (reaches into pocket and pulls out paper and starts rolling a cigarette) Georgia…..you’re the slut

Georgia: EXCUSE ME?!!

Neil: You’re far more sexually experienced than us and it is usually your clumsiness or in this case… your sexuality that gets you killed.

Georgia: Do you not know who my Dad is?

Neil: No? You never told us who he was?

Georgia: Well if he heard what you just said he would fuck you up

Brian: Either him or your man from Dicey’s

(Georgia gives Brian a middle finger)

Neil: Which brings me to you (points at Brian) Brian.

Brian: Hello

Neil: You’re the jock. While he is stronger than the other characters in his group, he does not compare to them with regards to his intelligence. He is also short-tempered and this is usually what ends up getting him killed.

Brian: (it is clear that he hasn’t been paying attention to what he just said as he was looking at the window the entire time) Sorry what did you say man? I just couldn’t get over how baked you sounded.

Neil: Brian….. you’re dumb.

Brian: Yeah…. Brian is ainm dom.

Neil: No…. you’re a fucking idiot.

Brian: (quickly and aggressively rises up out of his seat) SORRY. DO YOU WANT TO SAY THAT AGAIN BEFORE I GIVE YOU A BOX IN THE FUCKING HEAD MATE!

Neil: (pause) Point proven. (Moves his attention towards Shy Girl) And you. Sorry I’ve completely forgotten your name.

Katie: Em Katie…. Could you not say any mean things about me-

Neil: (Interrupts her) Now (examines her closely) What would I categorise you as? (thinks for a little bit) Aha yes… you are the virgin!

Neil: Virgin?

Brian: It means you haven’t had sex.

Katie: I know what it means! But why me?

Neil: You haven’t said that much since the class has started. Your naivety is what distinguishes you from the others. You don’t act over confident and you think things through in order to find the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin is usually the last one standing by the close of the picture.

Katie: But I’m not a vir-

Georgia: (Interrupts her) Alright then… what you categorise yourself as? Junkie.

Neil: Well I’m the Stoner. Or more commonly known as The Fool. I usually provide the comic relief for the picture with a witty remark or two while also coping on to what is going before the others do. I may act foolish but I am a lot smarter than the others think I am.

Brian: ….Ok aside from the piss, are you sure you haven’t taken something to make you talk absolute shite.

Georgia: Exactly! Accidents happen every day!

Neil: Then no one has bothered to alert the gardai? The teacher has just decided to ignore it and carry on with this fucking lesson?

Georgia: I don’t know! Maybe he’s just freaking out like we are

Brian: And maybe we should also move one to prevent any more (makes a gesture with his fingers) “accidents” from taking place! Hand me the fuckler

Neil: What?!

Brian: The fuckler. The book that translates all of the Irish words

Neil: (hands him the book) It’s called a focloir you fucking idiot

Katie: So if these events are similar to a horror then there would also have to be a killer.

Brian: Killer?

(Georgia aggressively points at the body of the Guy with Glasses)

Brian: Oh killer.

Georgia: You’re some dipshit did you know that?

Brian: Fuck off

Neil: You’ve pretty much hit it on the head there Katie

Katie: And the killer would then go on to kill each of the stereotypes one by one until the last person is standing?

Neil: Precisely

Katie: (pause) The real question is who is the killer and why are they doing all of this?

(All of a sudden the Teacher walks back into the classroom, Neil quickly tosses the rollie into the bin before the Teacher sees it in his hand. Teacher makes his way towards the whiteboard.)

Teacher: Right. How’s things?

Brian: (reading the focloir) Curt….. go …..lur

Neil: Are you ok?

Teacher: Yeah it was nothing too serious my wife wants a divorce. (Awkward Pause) Shall we move on with the lesson?

(End of scene and Act One, Blackout)

 

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

(The students are sitting down at their desks, the corpse of the guy with glasses is still on the floor and the Teacher is still giving the lesson ignoring the elephant in the room)

Teacher: And so if you look now it looks like the word says “me” but watch what happens now when I do the following…

(The Teacher draws a line above the ‘e’)

Teacher: You now have “may”. Isn’t that just fascinating?

(None of the students say anything)

Teacher: (pause) Shall we break again?

(All of the students nod their heads in unison and quickly prepare themselves to depart the classroom, Katie looks at her phone and realises that there is a bit of battery in it)

Katie: Oh my god

Neil: What’s wrong?

Katie: My phone! There’s a bit of battery in it! We can make a phone call to the g-

(Georgia immediately rises up out of her seat and interrupts Katie)

Georgia: (Interrupts) Oh Katie Katie Katie. Could I please borrow it for like two seconds

Neil: Why do you need to borrow her phone?

Georgia: I just need to sort out a few things

Neil: Such as?

Georgia: Ugh honestly it’s nothing. I really don’t want to talk about it right no-

Brian: (Interrupts her, mimicking her) So I was talking to this guy in Dicey’s and he’s was really fit but he’s like also having a thing with my best mate Becca and I fancy the hole of him and I would die for Becca even though she’s such a two faced horse

Georgia: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS PRICK! (pause) And it’s whore not horse! There’s no such fucking thing as a two-faced horse!

Brian: Calm your tits love I’m only joking

Georgia: Do not tell me what to do with my tits!

Neil: (Interrupts) Guys! Will you shut the fuck up so we can go on lunch

Teacher: Yeah I’m starving

Brian: I’m coming I’m coming….. (turns towards Georgia)…so what’s the story are you coming with us?

Georgia: I’ll catch up with you… (turns to Katie) please I just need to use it for a couple of seconds. I’ll give it back to you after lunch I swear!

Katie: Ok but please don’t use all of the battery. We need to-

Georgia: (Interrupts her by squealing) Thank you thank you thank you. You’re an absolute star. (starts texting on Katie’s phone)

Brian: (walks toward her) Try not to chat up the policeman when we’re gone

Georgia: GET FUCKED!!

(They all leave except for Georgia who is still positioned in the centre of the classroom texting away. It is clear from her behaviour that she is waiting for “Mr. Dicey” to respond)

Georgia: Come on (pause, in text tone) Are you coming here? (pause, she smiles)

(It is clear from Georgia’s behaviour that “Mr Dicey” has let her know that he is on his way to the classroom so she is preparing herself for his arrival, as she is getting herself together, the window slowly starts to open and a masked figure makes his way into the classroom, Georgia is facing the audience so she believes that it is “Mr. Dicey”, the hooded figure is equipped with a hurling stick)

Georgia: (tone: flirty, talking as she texting) I’ve been waiting all day for you to respond to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I’m hoping that as soon as you arrive we could have a……little…. Spraoi. That’s Irish for fun sorry its these stupid fucking lessons that are messing with my ceann…. I mean head! (giggles) Speaking of head….. I was wondering if……….

(All of a sudden, Georgia turns around and notices the hooded figure standing in front of her holding the hurling stick, she screams)

Georgia: Jesus you scared the shit out of me! Why the fuck are you wearing all of that? You’re not one of those freaks who are into that BSDM type of stuff are you?

(The hooded figure nods his head side to side)

Georgia: Really?

(The hooded figure nods his head up and down)

Georgia: Then what’s the stick for?

(The hooded figure looks down at his hurling stick)

Georgia: Are you going to……. Spank me?

(The hooded figure looks at Georgia, then back at his hurling stick, then back to Georgia, then back at his hurling stick, then back to Georgia, then back at his hurling stick and then back to Georgia, he nods his head up and down)

Georgia: Well then (she leans over the desk) I have been a very naughty student so I think I should be punished. Why don’t you spank me? I deserve a good…hard.. spa-

(The hooded figure smacks Georgia on the head with his hurling stick and she instantly falls down behind the desk next to the whiteboard. The hooded figure stays still for a moment and then makes his way towards the window. Before he makes his way outside his escape is interrupted by the sudden screams of Georgia who is on the floor screaming in agony)

Georgia: AHHHHH….YOU TOTAL ASSHOLE!!!….. DO YOU HONESTLY HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT…..JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL MY DAD SEES WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME AND THEN…..

(Before she can finish her sentence, the hooded figure hits her a couple of times with the hurling stick until she is silent. He then makes his way towards the window. However, Georgia is still alive and is still screaming in pain)

Georgia: WHAT THE…… FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME….. DO YOU…..KNOW….WHO…..MY DAD IS!!!!!

(The hooded figure lets out a sigh before he proceeds to hit her multiple times with the hurling stick in hopes that she will shut up. He then walks towards the window. She is still alive)

Georgia: HA! DID….YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT WOULD KILL….ME…..YOU SICK FREAK….WAIT TILL MY DADDY …..SEES THIS…

(The hooded figure hits her once and turns towards the window, she is still alive)

Georgia: (pause) STILL ALIVE HERE!!! IS THAT REALLY THE BEST YOU’VE GOT!

(The hooded figure hits her again and turns towards the window, she is still alive)

Georgia: NO NOT DEAD! FUCK TUSA-

(The hooded figure hits a final time, squelching sound effect, it is at this point now that Georgia is dead, the hooded figure notices that there is a phone in her hand, he picks it up and puts it in his pocket escapes through the window leaving it open)

(End of scene, Blackout)

 

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

(Lights on, the classroom is abandoned and the corpse of Georgia is positioned behind the desk. All of a sudden the others walk into the classroom. The teacher is eating a chicken fillet roll that he bought in Centra)

Teacher: I mean it’s so handy. Chicken fillet rolls for only 2.95 and its literally thirty seconds away from the school!

Neil: Yeah it’s pretty handy

Teacher: It’s brilliant! Jesus if only more academic institutions had a food facility has handy as this one close to them.

Katie: (notices the body of Georgia next to the Teacher’s desk) Oh no!

Teacher: Oh yes and I’ll tell you all this….. an roll sicin anseo….. ta se an a …. (notices the body of Georgia beside the desk) WHAT THE FUCK?!

Katie: NOT AGAIN!!!!

Brian: (confused) Who left the window open?

Katie: (angrily) Do you not see that there is a body right there on the flo-

Brian: (interrupts) I’m just saying that maybe we should close it….. you know just in case someone gets a cold.

Katie: (pause, it as this point that Katie can no longer take any interruptions any further so she is finally standing up for herself) Do you not notice that there are now two corpses in the classroom and the only thing you’re concerned about is a window! Would you not focus on the seriousness of the situation? Is none of this sinking into your fucking head?

Teacher: Can we all just calm down for noimead amhain!

(They all stop to think for a second)

Teacher: I mean….. two accidents in one day…. We’re having some bad luck here

Neil: (pause) You honestly think that these (points at both of the bodies) were accidents?!!!

Brian: Yeah… so maybe we close the window… to prevent any more accidents from taking place.

Neil: Of course. Because a closed window is going to stop more murders from happening!

Brian: You can never be too careful.

Teacher: Ok (takes bite out of chicken fillet roll) Can we all just calm down for noimead amhain….. and take a breather (takes another bite, his mouth is full of the delicious chicken so it is difficult to make out what he is saying) Its clear from the recent events that you are all a bit stressed with the exams approaching ever so closer so maybe (takes a another bite) it would be a good idea if we all just relaxed…. sat back down in our seats (swallows his food)…… and moved on to the Aimsir Laithreach

(They all groan)

Neil: Seriously what the fuck dude?

Teacher: Bi curumach with that language of yours

Brian: We’re not learning anymore of that Irish grammar shite until we find out exactly what the fuck is going on here!

Katie: Brian’s right.

(They all pause and act surprised and slowly look at Brian)

Brian: What? I’ve been right before

Katie: But what if…there actually is a killer here? Picking us off one by one.

Brian: Who would want to fuck with us?

Neil: I don’t know. But what if, and I’m only throwing this out there, but what if the killer is a gaelgoir who has become ashamed of today’s generation have made little to know effort to study the Irish language so he decided to get rid of those who have no interest in it thus preserving the Irish language

Katie: Neil that motivation is awful

Neil: Oh and I don’t suppose you have a better one?

Katie: I mean I like the gaelgoir concept but it would have been better if he was part of a cult that took it upon themselves to preserve the Irish language by killing those who don’t want to speak it!

Teacher: Or he could just be a lunatic who escaped from the nut house

Neil: Come on. That’s so conventional

Katie: Neil! This isn’t a movie for Christ sake. This is the real world. There may not be a motivation because sometimes there’s no reason for it. Sometimes people just do messed up shit for no reason!

Brian: What about Georgia’s fella from Dicey’s?

Katie: (turns to Brian) Will you shut the fuck up for two seconds?! I don’t know who is doing this and why they are doing it to us but we are doing nothing but wasting time trying to find a reason as to why this person is doing all of this. We have to leave this classroom now!

Teacher: I’m afraid class doesn’t end till 5

Katie: DO YOU NOT SEE THE BODIES! WE HAVE TO LEAVE… NOW!

Teacher: No!

Katie: (stands in front of him) Why are you so concerned with keeping us here?

Teacher: Because I’m in charge and no one is allowed leave unless it is urgent or spoken in the Irish language.

Katie: Then…..an bhfuil cead agam dul go dti an leithreas?

Teacher: NIL

Neil: What did I do this time?

Teacher: No I.. (grunts) No you cannot go to the toilet!

Katie: But I actually do have to go

Teacher: Enough of the excuses!

Katie: But…it’s a…woman’s problem

Teacher: Alright! But be quick! And no escaping!

(Katie gets up and leaves the classroom, all of a sudden the Teacher puts his hand to his stomach as it is growling)

Teacher: Jesus! That roll is after going through me like the Luas! Talk amongst yourselves, I’ll be back in an tapula. (he quickly departs the classroom, It is only Neil and Brian left in the classroom)

Neil: Alright I don’t know about you man but I’m pretty suspicious about those two

Brian: What do you mean?

Neil: I think they might have killed Georgia and……. him

Brian: What?! Why?! She was so fit

Neil: Shut up will you! Why did Katie need to leave so suddenly. I don’t get it

Brian: Me too. I mean what sort of woman’s problem is she on about. I bet it something emotional. Ha! Women! Am I right?

Neil: She was talking her time of the month

Brian: What her birthday?

Neil: No her menstrual cycle

Brian: Like the packet of chocolate sweets?

Neil: No. Her ‘woman problem’

Brian: She gets emotional every month?

Neil: Brian. You know what happens with girls once a month? Don’t you?

Brian: Of course. Remind me again

Neil: Are you serious?

(Brian gives him a confused look)

Brian: You know with girls? Once a month they……bleed

(Brian still gives him a confused look, Neil whispers into his ear)

Brian: (disgusted) UGH! That is rank!

Neil: I know

Brian: And that happens every month?

Neil: Yeah

Brian: (pause) I can see why they’re emotional. That’s horrible!

Neil: Look forget all of that Brian! I am a bit suspicious of those two. There’s something up with the both of them.

Brian: What they’re hooking up?

Neil: No! I mean…. and I’m only throwing this out there…. But what if one of them is the killer?

Brian: Do you not think he’s a bit old for her?

Neil: I’M NOT SAYING THEY’RE HOOKING UP! Do you not think it’s a bit strange that he’s more concerned with finishing a fucking lesson than he is about the fact that two students have mysteriously died in his classroom. He’s definitely hiding something. Or maybe it’s her? I mean she’s barely said a word since class has started. She’s probably more focused on cutting all of our throats than she is at learning the Aimsir Fhaistineach! I’m telling you man! It’s pretty damn suspicious. Do you not think so? (He turns around to Brian who has been fixated on trying to shut the window the entire time that Neil was speaking) Dude! What the fuck are you doing?

Brian: (Looks around) Are you not fucking freezing?!

(All of a sudden the hooded figure appears on the other side of the window and grabs Brian by the shirt and pulls him through, Brian starts screaming his head off)

Brian: Fucking hell!

Neil: Brian!

Brian: Don’t just stand there help me out you dickhead!

Neil: Dickhead? Fuck tusa

Brian: No fuck tusa! No no don’t do that! Don’t rip that off! AHHHHHHHHHH! STOP HITTING ME WITH IT! NEIL!!!!!!!!! NIIIIIIIILL.

(All of a sudden the hooded figure rips off Brian’s arm and beats him to death with it. The hooded figure then looks at Neil and then runs off tosses Neil Brian’s severed arm, Katie then enters the classroom. The moment she notices the body she lets out an ear piercing scream. The Teacher then enters the classroom. He looks at Katie and Neil who is still holding the arm of Brian. Before he can say anything he runs towards the desk and throws up behind it)

Teacher: (looks up from behind the desk) Sorry… I’m sorry. I think there was something wrong with that roll.

Neil: (pause) Did you just throw up on Georgia?

Teacher: (Looks down behind the desk and then looks up) Yep. I should probably clean this up. Will someone give me a hand?

(Neil looks down to the severed arm of Brian that he is still holding before dropping it to the floor)

(Blackout, end of scene)

 

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

(The Teacher, Neil and Katie are all sitting around the classroom with a look of defeat upon their faces, Neil then pulls out a joint)

Teacher: Do you need a light?

Neil: (takes the joint out of his mouth) I thought I wasn’t allowed

Teacher: Well given these (looks around the classroom) unfortunate circumstances. I’ll allow it (hands him the lighter from his pocket)

Neil: (lights joint) Cheers. This isn’t how I thought I’d die to be honest. I knew that this language would be the death of me but this is ridiculous. (pause) Shit I’m probably not going to see my parents again. Last thing I said to my Mum was ‘you do it bitch’

Katie: What was the context?

Neil: She asked me to empty the bin

Katie: People fight with their parents all the time you should-

Neil: (Interrupts her) And then she told me that as long as I was living under her roof that I shouldn’t use that type of language. So then I said “ Well I’m not under your roof I’m outside and I won’t be living under your roof in the future when your dead!” And then I slammed the door and walked off to grinds.

Katie: (pause) People fight with their parents all the time you shouldn’t worry about it

Neil: I know but it just bothers me that that could be the last thing that I ever say to her (pause) The worst part was that I then realised that I forgot my key so I had to go back. I just wish there was some way I could tell her that I was sorry and how much she meant to me

Katie: You will tell her. When we get out of here alive

(Neil smiles at her, smokes joint)

Neil: (pause) I’m sorry that you might miss Coldplay

Katie: It’s fine. I don’t mind that I’m missing Coldplay. It’s Ciara that I’m worried about missing

Neil: Ciara?

Katie: Could I have some of that joint?

Neil: Sure (he hands her the joint)

Katie: (smokes some of the joint) My sister. I haven’t seen her in a long time. Mainly because she’s studying Law up in NUIG.

Neil: That sounds nice

Katie: Yeah it does. However, there is something that bothers me. Whenever Ciara is around. I just seem to disappear in front of my family members because she’s the ‘high achiever’ in the family. All my uncles and aunts and grandparents want to know what she’s up to and how is her degree going and they’re too busy asking her all these fascinating questions that I suddenly start to become invisible. But the worst part is that when she’s not around and when I mention her fucking name in a conversation that it then becomes all about her. “Oh how’s Ciara getting on?” “Oh Ciara’s a very smart girl isn’t she?” “Didn’t she get five hundred and ninety fucking five points in her Leaving Cert?” You know what the last thing my Mum said to me was? “Ciara didn’t have to get grinds when she did the Leaving” “Well mam here’s a little news flash for you. Ciara has a younger sister and much to your surprise she is not an exact clone of your golden girl!”

Neil: Katie. I’m so sorry I didn’t know

Katie: (sighs again) It’s fine. I didn’t say that to her (pause, smokes joint) despite how much I wanted to. I have no interested in doing medicine or law or any of those courses that you need to get 600 points for. I want to study film.

Neil: Really?

Shy Girl: Yeah, it’s the only thing I can see myself doing.

Neil: I’m the same. I actually want to be in films as opposed to making them

Katie: You act?

Neil: Yeah. I’ve been doing it for years. I want to do it for a living

Katie: Wow. That’s really cool Neil

Teacher: (Interrupts their moment) At least you two were able to have a proper conversation with your parents. I can barely remember the last thing I said to my father…mainly because I wasn’t born.

Neil: Shit…

Teacher: He sounded like an amazing man the way my mother talked about him. He was an Irish teacher who loved to paint houses in his spare time. Unfortunately his hobby got the better of him as he fell off a ladder one day as he was painting the roof of our house

Katie: That’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear that

Teacher: It’s fine don’t worry about it.

Neil: (confused, pause) How do you paint a roof of a house?

Teacher: (pause, ignores what Neil has just said) After my father’s passing my mother was left to raise me on her own. She was also a big inspiration to me especially when I was a young man after I decided that I wanted to pursue a writing career. I told her that I wanted to be a writer to which she responded “You would be a horrible writer, study Irish it’s what your father would have wanted”. (Pause) And it was after hearing her words that I knew exactly what sort of career I wanted to pursue. A horror writer.

Neil: Um I don’t think that’s what she meant man

Teacher: So I then spent the next few years of my life immersing myself in the world of horror. My god I was obsessed. I’ve seen all the classics from all of the best directors of the genre. Craven. Carpenter. I educated myself through their works in hope that someday too I could craft a masterpiece to call my own.

Katie: So what made you become an Irish teacher.

Teacher: Well there was a point where I realised that I wasn’t going to make any money out of my work. People used to ask me “Who on God’s earth would want to see or read an Irish horror comedy? It would never work!” So I went back to school and studied Irish while still horror in my spare time. (pause, turns to the two of them, excited tone) Would you like to hear one of my stories?

Katie: Oh we’d love to but we should probably get back to learning the Aimsir Chaite. Like you said we do have a couple of months before the most important exam of our student liv-

Teacher: (quickly interrupts her) Ah forget that shite!

(Teacher quickly reaches into drawer of desk and pulls out a screenplay before he runs back to Neil and Katie)

Teacher: (Excited tone) Ok so this one is very important to me as it’s the longest it has ever taken me to write a screenplay. I spent a good two years trying to write it and perfect it. Do you mind if I read you the opening scene?

Neil: (annoyed) No please go ahead

Teacher: Oh iontach! (clears throat, opens first page of screenplay) Ok so in the opening scene the setting is an abandoned house at the end of a cul de sac. Except it’s not abandoned as there is a young deaf girl inside the house. She is sitting on a rocking chair beside the door waiting for the phone to ring. All of a sudden, the phone rings and she immediately answers it only to be greeted by the voice of a-

Neil: (Interrupts him) Wait!

Teacher: What is it?

Neil: (pause) How can she answer the phone if she’s deaf?

(It is at this point that the Teacher slowly begins to crumble up his screenplay realising that he has just wasted two years writing a screenplay that has a plot-hole in the opening description. He then makes his way to the corner of the classroom an starts hitting his head against the wall)

Neil: (concerned) Are you alright man?

Teacher: (quietly) Two years

Neil: Listen it’s alright, you can always go back and rewrite it

Teacher: Wasted my fucking time

Neil: Don’t worry about it. I mean I’m sure she’s not completely deaf.

Teacher: Two years….and there’s A PLOT HOLE IN THE FUCKING OPENING DESCRIPTION!!!

Neil: Look…calm down

Teacher: It’s all FUCKING USELESS!

Neil: Dude! Chill the fuck out (makes his way towards the teacher and puts his arm around his shoulder)

(All of a sudden the Teacher quickly turns around and grabs a pencil from the desk and holds it at Neil’s throat)

Teacher: TWO YEARS! TWO YEARS IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THAT SCREENPLAY AND YOU HAVE THE LIATHROIDI TO STAND THERE AND TEAR MY MASTERPIECE APART? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE SACRIFICES? BIRTHDAYS! DINNERS! MY OWN SONS FUCKING BAKE SALE! HE MADE SPONGE CAKE! IS FUCKING AOIBHINN LIOM SPONGE CAKE BUT NO DADDY HAD TO WRITE THE STORY ABOUT THE DEAF GIRL WHO FOR SOME MIRACULLOUS REASON IS ABLE TO ANSWER HER FUCKING CELL-PHONE. ALL MISSED FOR THIS SCREENPLAY! I HAD FAITH IN IT I REALLY DID! SO I’M WARNING YOU! TEAR MY LIFE APART AGAIN AND I’LL TEAR YOUR EYE FROM YOUR SOCKET. CEART…GO….LEOR?

(Neil forces his way out of the Teacher’s grasp and comes to a shocking realisation)

Neil: Get your hands off me you fucking psychopath!

Teacher: I… I.. I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me

Neil: Yes you did you lunatic

Teacher: What on earth are you talking about?

Neil: I mean it’s completely fucking obvious. It’s you. You killed Brian. You killed Georgia. You killed..(pause, realises he doesn’t know the Guy With Glasses’ name) him!

Katie: Neil

Teacher: How could you make such an accusation like that?!

Neil: Because of your behaviour

Teacher: What are you on about?

Neil: I kind of thought the sadistic gaelgoir was just a bad idea for a horror flick but it clearly looks like fantasy has become reality with you

Teacher: Ok it’s pretty clear from the stuff you are you saying that you were the one out of the three of us who smoked the most of that joint. (coughs) What would make you think that I suddenly want to start murdering children?

Katie: Well I don’t think he’s wrong

Teacher: WHAT? WHY ARE YOU GANGING UP ON ME NOW?

Katie: (stands up) Well you did leave the room the moment before (points to the guy with glasses) he came back into class and when you did you didn’t even pay attention to him so it’s clear tha-

Teacher: (Interrupts her) What about you then missy? When I came back in to the class it was just you and the poor boy there. Why aren’t we pointing fingers at her and calling her the murdering psychopath?

Neil: That is a fair point

Teacher: Thanks man

Katie: What would make you think that I would want to kill him. I barely knew him. For all I know he could have been a gentleman. He just stumbled back into class and died in front of me so it’s pretty clear tha-

Teacher: (Interrupts her) Don’t give me that bull cac! You murdered him and the others and you know it so the only question I have left for you know is why?

Katie: I don’t understa-

Teacher: (Interrupts her) Why did you do it?!

Katie: I didn’t do i-

Teacher: (Interrupts her) Why did you kill them? Why? Why? Wh-

Katie: (Interrupts him) BECAUSE I DIDN’T KILL THEM! And I’m pretty sure that if anyone else was in the room with me then they would believe me!

Teacher: You are so full of cac

Neil: (steps in) Alright back off muinteoir! You’re still not excused from all of this?

Teacher: I thought you were on my side?!

Neil: I never said I was on anyone side. We’re all suspects here

Teacher: Including me

Neil: Including me

Teacher: So what excuses you from these murders Niall

Neil: Neil. Well for a start I was in the classroom with Brian when he was killed?

Teacher: So how do we know that you didn’t kill him there in the classroom

Neil: Because why would I murder someone and then just stay there

Teacher: (pause) That’s actually a good point

Neil: So what’s your excuse muinteoir?

Teacher: Why are you so certain that it was me? I’m not a bad guy

Katie: You literally just held a pencil to Neil’s neck there a second ago and threatened to stab him in the eye

Teacher: Oh shut up Katie or I swear to god that I (pause) won’t do a single thing to you.

Neil: I think you may have just shown your true colours man

Teacher: No! I’m not! I swear. I have just been having a really bad week. And year. For god’s sake you have to believe a recently divorced man.

Katie: Oh give it up will you

Teacher: But why put all the blame on me?! How do we know that you two aren’t planning something together?! Like this is all part of the masterplan!

Neil: You literally just fishing for excuses now

(As the Teacher is talking Katie starts doing a fishing motion with her hands)

Teacher: Yes! You two are planning to kill me because I’m stopping you from enjoying your summer?! No you’re on a quest to kill all the Irish teachers in Ireland?! No no wait! You both have evil twins and your plan is to frame the other one so they go to prison….(notices what Katie is doing) WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT?!

Katie: Im just saying it as it is muinteoir. Why won’t you just admit to it?

Teacher: (looks at Katie, pause) You know what. I admit it. I admit that I gave off the wrong impression. I admit that I am not a very good teacher mainly because I would rather pursue a writing career instead. I admit that I haven’t been a very good father to my wife and lover to my child (pause). I admit to all of those things but there is one thing that I won’t admit and that is that I murdered Georgia, Brian and (pause) him here in my classroom in the middle of broad daylight. I would never want to cause any harm to anyone especially to you two. Please. For the love of Dia believe me

(Both Neil and Katie look at each other unsure)

Teacher: Look I swear to both of you. If we had a Bible I would put my hands on it. Look (grabs a focloir) I swear

Neil: But that’s a focloir

Teacher: I KNOW WHAT IT IS NEIL! But I swear on my recently divorced wife’s grave that I did not murder Georgia, Brian and whatever the fuck his name was. (puts down the focloir)

Teacher: Please. I am telling the honest to go truth. Now the best thing for us to do in this situation is to put our worries behind us and our heads together. We’re all we’ve got (makes his way towards Stoner) Neil, you have to trust me. I am not a killer. The only thing that I have killed is a lot of time towards this screenplay. Please.

Neil: Ok, I trust you

(Both Neil and Teacher make their way towards the door until they are stopped by Katie’s voice)

Katie: No.

Teacher: What?

Neil: Katie….

Katie: We’re not leaving until this prick admits that he’s a murdering psychopath

Neil: But he didn’t do it. Katie come on

(grabs the pencil and holds it to the Teacher’s throat)

Neil: Jesus Katie!

Teacher: Are you actually threatening me with a fucking pencil?

(She presses it gently at his throat)

Teacher: Ok Jesus that’s pretty sharp

Katie: Up against the wall

Teacher: Why won’t you listen to m-

Katie: (interrupts) UP AGAINST THE FUCKING WALL ASSHOLE!

(The Teacher makes his way towards the window, Neil is by the door, Teacher then slowly places his hands behind his head)

Katie: (takes a deep breath) Ok. Here’s what is going to happen now muinteoir. Fir-

(All of a sudden, the guy with glasses jumps up behind Katie and slits her throat with the knife that was in her pocket, blood starts rapidly pouring from Katie’s throat as she collapses to the floor, the Teacher then runs to her aid and cradles her in his arms, she gargles for a while until she slowly goes silent, Stoner remains silent)

Teacher: (distraught, looks up at guy with glasses who is standing above him) You?!

Guy with Glasses: Je suis…. Desole

Teacher: NO! NO! THAT’S NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE! IT CAN’T BE YOU?

Neil: It’s not (slowly makes his way towards the guy with the glasses, he then puts his arm around the guy with glasses’ shoulder, there is an evil grin upon his face) It was both of us

Teacher: (shocked) NO! NEIL! NO!

Guy with Glasses: (pause) Oui

 

(End of Scene, Blackout)

 

 

 

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

(Lights on, The Teacher is on his knees in the classroom next to Katie’s body, The Teacher is in shock)

Teacher: NO! ITS NOT POSSIBLE!

Neil: ‘Fraid so

Teacher: Fuck!

Neil: I know right? I surprised myself actually. I didn’t think I would be able to keep it up. Man I’m good at the aul acting! I mean I used to act in a few plays but I didn’t Think I was that good (turns to guy with glasses) Was that convincing to you man?

Guy with Glasses: (nods) Oui

Teacher: But…I…I…. do-?

Neil: To-to-to-today muinteoir

Teacher: This doesn’t make any sense! Why would you do something like this?

Neil: (laughs) You really have no clue don’t you?

Teacher: (pause) No. That’s why I said this doesn’t make any sense

Neil: (kneels down next to the Teacher) People like you make me sick

Teacher: So that’s your motive? You have some sort of sick vendetta against teachers

Neil: No no no not that at all. I have a sick vendetta against Irish teachers

Teacher: WHAT?!

Neil: My entire life I have had to endure this stupid language by being brought into a family of fools who saw some sort of value in speaking it. Parents, relatives who have made fun of me my entire life for not being able to speak it properly. But before the language becomes dead, those who speak it must die first

Teacher: (pause) Iosa Chriost are you really are a terrible murdering psychopath?!

Neil: (Pulls out knife from pocket) I’d be careful what you say to a murdering psychopath

Teacher: So that’s it? Your motive is to murder anyone who has an interest in the Irish language?

Neil: (pause) Yep pretty much

Teacher: Neil that has got to be the stupidest motive for a murdering psychopath that I have ever heard.

Neil: Oh I’m sorry Mr. Academy Award Winning screenwriter! Were you expecting something more elaborate. Something planned and well thought out? Like (mockingly) Oh my parents were murdered by a deranged Irish teacher and I am now motivated on a path to execute all of those associated with the language

Teacher: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER…. AND WOULD HAVE MADE SENSE….. Jesus Neil I don’t that you have a clue what you’re doing? You clearly haven’t thought this through! You’re nothing morWhen I was struggling with Maths when I was a young man I went to get grinds, I didn’t set out an elaborate and complicated plan to murder every single fucking Mathematician in the south County Dublin area. You’re nothing more than a drugged up little wingebag whose throwing a hissy fit because he hates studying! Grow up and grow yourself a pair of balls while you’re at it

(Neil plunges his knife that he kept in his pocket into the Teacher’s shoulder, the Teacher screams in agony)

Teacher: NIL!

(Neil twists the knife)

Teacher: IM SAYING YOUR FUCKING NAME NOT NO!!!

(Neil removes the knife)

Neil: I am warning you man! You are really trying my patience Be careful with that language of yours I won’t so fucking kind the next time another word of Irish comes out of that mouth of yours. You hear that Pierre (turns to Guy with Glasses) The next person who speaks Irish is a dead man.

(The Guy with Glasses stands in silence with a confused look upon his face)

Neil: Oh for the love of….. (makes hand gestures) If anyone speaks Irish….they die. Comprendre?

Guy with Glasses: Oui (pause) And you don’t have to be a dick about it

Neil: And for the record I have thought this through. You have no idea what it’s like to have someone make you look like a fucking eejit in front of everyone just because they think that they know more than you

Teacher: Yes I do. I had a wife

Neil: SHUT UP! You know what, I think I may have to make an alteration to this master plan of mine? (Turns to the Teacher, excited tone) Would you like to hear it?

Teacher: No not really to be honest

Neil: Instead of killing you, I’m going to frame you

Teacher: Neil I just said I didn’t want to hear it

Neil: I can see the headline now. Local Irish teacher snaps at class and murders every single of them claiming that they all showed a lack of interest in learning the Irish language. It truly is the perfect crime. There’s your motive for you

Teacher: How can you be the killer when you said you were in the same room as the killer when he killed Brian and you (points at guy with glasses) were acting as a corpse

Neil: Ah yes. Pierre has a twin

(The hooded figure appears by the window and waves at the Teacher)

Teacher: What?!

Guy with glasses: Bonjour

Neil: Did you honestly think it was just one of us carrying all of this out? The amount of effort?

Teacher: I’m sorry but I just can’t believe how shit of a murdering psychopath you are. What kind of killer doesn’t kill anyone and instead relies on others to do his work for him

Neil: Jigsaw in the Saw movies didn’t kill anyone

Teacher: Ok that is a fair point (pause) No wait it’s not fair! It’s not fair because this isn’t a fucking movie! Your plan is beyond far-fetched and I’m sorry if the Irish language isn’t interesting to you but that’s no excuse to go around and start murderi- (He notices that the hooded figure has walked off) Where the fuck is he going?!

Guy with glasses: He has to leave early…. He has tickets to Coldplay.

Teacher: WHAT?!

Neil: I know. Just another reason to hate him.

Guy with glasses: You do not like Coldplay?

Neil: I don’t think anyone does?

Guy with glasses: I like Yellow

Neil: Yeah that’s a decent. I like the video with the monkeys.

Teacher: NO! This still doesn’t make sense. Pierre! You were dead earlier on! I came into the classroom and you were dead!

Neil: Well like me and my acting, Pierre has a secret hobby that you didn’t know about

Teacher: Which is?

Neil: He’s a make-up artist

Teacher: Well how fucking convenient

Guy with glasses: Oui. I have YouTube channel

Teacher: And let me guess your Pierre’s hobby is also acting

Neil: (pause) No it’s murdering people

Teacher: (tone = sarcastic)Well I’m really happy for all of you with regards to your genius plan. But I’m afraid that it won’t work.

Neil: Oh that’s where your wrong (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone)

Teacher: You bastard

Neil: Just another thing that I’ve been hiding from you. (whistles) Pierre

Guy with glasses: Oui

Neil: Will you please make a phone call to the Gardai for me?

Guy with glasses: Oui (makes his way towards the door to make phone call) Do not whistle me (Exits)

Neil: You wouldn’t by any chance happen to still have the lighter

Teacher: Fuck you junkie

Neil: Not very professional of you is it?

Teacher: The things that I’m going to do you for what you have done today will be far from professional. Also I really don’t understand how you’re able to go through with this master plan when you’re under the influence? Shit why am I talking to you? You’re a fucking lunatic

Neil: Am I though? The way I see it I’m doing our generation a favour? By getting rid of this stupid language

Teacher: It’s your native language you eejit! It’s one of the crucial components of being Irish for Christ’s sake

Neil: Really? Then why do a good majority of teenagers always complain about it? Why do a good majority of students end up doing pass Irish because they couldn’t be bothered to take any interest in learning it? What is the point?!

Teacher: Have you never heard of a Gaeltacht? Or all Irish schools? Or Cumann na Fucking ngaedheal?!

Neil: Don’t give me this ‘Eirinn go bra’ or ‘Tiocfaidh ar la’ shite that I keep hearing about. When I’m done you I am going to make it my mission that this language that I hear some people express their concerns as to whether it’s a dead language or not actually becomes dead.

Teacher: Jesus you really are baked out of your mind. And who are all these people you keep talking about?!

(Guy with glasses walks back into classroom)

Neil: Ah Pierre! Have you called the Gardai?

Guy with glasses: Oui

Neil: Ah iontach! So now we ca-

(All of a sudden, Guy with glasses shoves a knife into Neil’s eye, he lets out an ear piercing scream)

Neil: AHHHHHH! MY EYE!!! MY FUCKING EYE!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Guy with glasses: Like you said… no survivors…also you spoke Irish?

Neil: NO I DIDN….. BUT I…. THAT’S NOT WHY I MEANT! OH FUCK ME THIS STINGS PLEASE TAKE IT OUT!! TAKE IT OUT YOU FUCKING BAGUETTE!

(Guy with glasses takes knife out of his eye)

Neil: AHHHH! (pause) Thank…. Now anois (Neil realises he spoke Irish) shit!

(Guy with glasses stabs Neil in the head and he drops to the floor dead, the Teacher then stands up, it is just the Teacher and Guy with Glasses left, awkward silence)

Teacher: (pause) He could have avoided all of that if he hadn’t explained his plan to me.

Guy with glasses: Shut up… maintenant…..you die

(The Teacher grabs a pencil from the desk, Guy with glasses reaches behind a window and pulls out the hurling from earlier, they have a scuffle until the Teacher gets the high ground by knocking the Guy with glasses to the ground, The Teacher grabs the hurling stick and he is out of breath)

Teacher: (panting) Slan go Foil….motherfucker

Guy with glasses: Non

(Just before he can hit Guy with the glasses with the hurling stick, a Garda bursts through the classroom door and shoots the Teacher down, the Teacher then falls over his desk and to the ground)

Garda: (to walkie talkie) Yeah I’m going to need some assistance here (makes his way over to Guy with Glasses) You alright there son?

Guy with Glasses: (pretending to be in tears) OH THANK GOD! (throws himself around the Garda’s legs) He just decided to go nuts and then he started killing us all? I managed to escape and call for help but he grabbed me and dragged me back here. He then said he smash my head in with his stick! OH GOD! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! (He buries his head into his leg and continues to cry)

Garda: There there boy (puts his hand on his head) It’s alright. We’ll get you home safe. Come on now. I do apologise for the delay. Come on, let’s get out of this godforsaken place

(Guy with glasses picks himself up and he makes his way towards the classroom door with the Garda.)

Garda: Yeah it’s great that I got here in the nick of time. Reminds of something the wife always to me: (*as Gaeilge) “If you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you are aiming at.”

Guy with glasses: (shocked) Did you just speak……in Irish?

Garda: I did indeed. Both my grandparents and my parents grew up in the Gaeltacht and I am fluent at speaking it. God I love it. Ta se mo teanga is fear. It’s a shame because not a lot of young folk like yourself love speaking or studying it. I like to think that all of that will change in the future. Tus maith leath na hoibre as my twin brother used to say god rest him.

(The guy with the glasses glances at the knife in his pocket)

Garda: So….. ar mhaith leat Gaelige?

(The guy with the glasses quickly pulls knife out of pocket and stabs the garda in the chest)

Garda: AH YE LITTLE CUNT YE!

(Cue ‘Coldplay: Yellow’, End of play, blackout)

 

 

 

 

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